


What could have been

by alfisha



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Desi Harry Potter, Diwali, I don’t know how to tag this, In death - Freeform, M/M, POV Lily Potter, lily watches what could have been, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:27:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24320566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alfisha/pseuds/alfisha
Summary: Lily Potter watches what could have been.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Tom Riddle, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 17
Kudos: 176





	What could have been

**Author's Note:**

> i posted a non-tomarry version of this on wattpad, so if you wanna check it out, here’s the link:  
> https://my.w.tt/bdCruon6G6
> 
> this is in the perspective of lily potter, who is dead and watching different things that could have happened with one reoccurring theme: harry and tom.

In the afterlife, things are different.

Lily Potter knows, somehow, what her son is doing, where he is, and how he's feeling. But she can't see him. She can't see her baby anymore.

She sees something else. Another reality, perhaps, or maybe this is just a never-ending dream, filled with the things she wishes she could have but can't.

Lily sees herself. Not just herself, but James too, and Padfoot, and Moony, and-

Harry.

They're sitting at the dinner table. Lily knows, in some corner of her consciousness, that they're waiting for something. Someone? They're not sat in silence. In fact, the kitchen is loud, filled with laughter and jokes and ridiculous impressions of Severus, courtesy of Sirius and James, as Remus buries his face in his hands and Lily is entertaining Harry with toys that he isn't interested in. He sits in a high chair, slapping the small tray with excited hands, staring at the little rat scurrying around in front of him. He smiles wide, giggling as the rat squeaks at him before nudging a small wooden train toward Harry. He takes it, and proceeds to stuff the rat into the driver's seat, and the rat cries out in alarm.

Sirius catches sight of what Harry's doing and laughs, tapping James to get his attention. "Look at Petey! He's become a full-time Harry victim!" he cries, and Remus lets out a laugh muffled by his sleeves - his head is still buried in his arms. Lily rolls her eyes but can't hide her smile. She gently coaxes Harry's hands away from the suffering rat, who scampers down from the table and turns into Peter Pettigrew, hair ruffled and looking miffed.

"That child is a danger to small rodents everywhere." he says seriously, and Harry blows a raspberry at him. Peter's face softens from annoyed to fond in 0.2 seconds, and charms the train to drive around the table as Harry laughs in delight.

James gets up and comes over to where Harry and Lily are sitting, and ruffles Harry's already thick black hair. Harry slaps his hand away, and Lily laughs.

"He says fuck off dad, I'm playing with Peter." she says, and Remus lifts his head in horror.

"Language!" he cries, and Sirius rubs one of his hands between both of his own.

"English, I'm pretty sure." Sirius helpfully supplies, and Remus snatches his hands back and slaps Sirius hard on the arm, causing Padfoot to let out an indignant howl of pain. "Cool it, Moony! It was only a joke, geez."

Remus smirks and leans back in his chair as Lily laughs at Sirius' expense, and James wags his finger at Remus.

"No fighting at the dinner table, we have a child!" he says, flapping his arms at his sides. Lily watches with a confused expression.

"James, what're you doing with your arms? You look ridiculous." she says, and James turns to look at her seriously.

"I am being a mother hen."

Sirius roars with laughter once again, giving James a high-five. Harry grows bored of his train and looks up to see what the fuss is about, and pokes his dad in the side.

James looks down, smiling at him. "What is it, Prongslet?" he asks, and Harry smiles sweetly.

"Paddy." he says, clear as day.

James looks from Sirius - who wears a shit-eating grin - to Harry, who is still smiling like an angel.

"You mean daddy?" James says, sounding a little desperate. Lily hides her smile with a hand, and Remus glares fondly at Sirius, who is still looking far too smug.

"Paddy!" Harry says again, looking delighted with his dad's reaction.

"Daddy."

"No, Paddy!"

James stays silent for a moment. Then, ever so slowly, he turns to Sirius. He narrows his eyes at Sirius' smiling face, and points an accusing finger at him.

"You did this. I know you did." he says quietly, and Sirius blinks innocently.

"Who, moi? Never. It was all Moony's idea."

Remus gasps in shock, and gapes indignantly at Sirius. "You're so full of shit! You were sitting there giggling yesterday, teaching Harry to say Paddy-"

"Language." Sirius says to Remus, cutting him off with a grin and shaking his head in mock disappointment. "There's a small infant here, those words are not appreciated." Remus burns red, and opens his mouth to retort.

"I think the Weasleys are here!" Peter says loudly, trying to diffuse the situation. Lily still has her hand over mouth, though this time it's to stifle the laughter in her throat.

As if on cue, the doorbell rings, and a clan of redheads are ushered in by Peter. Lily and Molly head to the kitchen, chattering about their children and beginning to cook as James lets Harry out of his high chair to play with Ron, a freckly boy who smiles shyly to Harry at first. But before long, they're both waddling around confidently with various toys as the other Weasley boys watch and join in at times.

Lily, who is watching herself laugh with her friends, sees a glimpse of little Fred being hit with the killing curse in front of her little boy, and she almost turns back to her real son before being distracted by a loud noise in this little corner of existence.

That loud noise comes from one of the twins, who have somehow gotten hold of some potions ingredients that should not have been left within reach of them. Molly rushes over to them, taking the ingredients away and scolding them not to touch explosive ingredients. They just smile and agree, but Lily can see them holding something she can't quite make out. Once Molly finishes her scolding and makes her way back to the kitchen, Lily wanders over to George and holds her hand out expectantly. He sighs and hands it over, and she winks with a smile before returning to the rest of her family.

The scene fades away, and Lily wants to shout, wants to bring back this happy life she wishes she could have had. But she has no voice, no body, and she cannot shout.

She's suddenly yanked away from the darkness, and before her stands her Harry.

He's older than in the vision, sixteen or seventeen maybe, and he looks so devastatingly tired. He's dirty, his clothes hang on him and he has a dead look in his eyes that doesn't fit on his young face. He looks around, and Lily does too, and she sees James again. They smile at one another, but Harry is their focus right now. Her eyes also land on Sirius and Remus, and she smiles sadly at them, too. Harry sees Remus and gasps.

"You- You're gone, too?" he asks, and his voice sounds broken. He looks broken.

Remus nods, but his smile doesn't leave. They talk some more, and Harry turns to Sirius.

"Does it hurt? Dying, I mean?" he asks, voice shaking. Lily wants to tear this world apart for daring to make her baby look like this, but she's barely even there. She can't do anything now.

"Like falling asleep." Sirius says, and winks at Harry, who finally looks to his parents.

"Stay with me?"

"Until the very end." James says earnestly, and Lily nods.

"You've been so brave, angel. So brave." she says, voice as soft as the wind, and Harry can't even muster the energy to smile at her. He just nods, looking down.

"I don't feel brave." he whispers, and if Lily still had a physical body, she's sure she'd cry.

No one says anything at first, but eventually Remus speaks up. "A wise wizard once told you, we all have both light and dark inside of us. It is what we choose to act on that counts. You are scared now, Harry. If you weren't, I'm quite sure you would not be human. The point is that you are scared, yet you still plan to go through with your actions anyway, actions that benefit others and not yourself. Am I correct?"

Harry pauses, considering, and nods. He lifts his head high, and Lily's heart swells with pride for her brave little boy.

Harry drops the stone, and Lily returns to the darkness.

She's not sure how long she drifts in empty space, if that's what she's doing. She doesn't grow bored. She just drifts, wandering around, occasionally catching glimpses of lives that could have been.

One glimpse is longer than others, though.

The Potter family is once more at the dining table, though there is no high chair. A preteen Harry is bouncing up and down, with James laughing at him fondly.

"They'll be here soon, Prongslet. Calm down." he says, even though he himself is tapping his fingers on the table impatiently. Lily sees herself snort and roll her eyes, and James scowls playfully at her.

The flames in the fireplace glow green. Harry jumps up in excitement, only to slump back down in his chair again in disappointment as Remus steps out, followed by Sirius. Sirius chuckles at Harry, and ruffles his hair.

"Do I look that bad, Haz? I tried combing my hair today. Made an effort, and this is what I get. Tragic."

Harry bats his hand away, fighting off a smile.

"I'm waiting for my friends!" he says apologetically.

"We know." says Remus, and he sits down across from Lily.

Sirius engages Harry in conversation, talking animatedly about the next Quidditch match to distract him. Harry happily talks with him, smiling and swearing that Puddlemere United will win for sure this season. After around five minutes, the fireplace burns green again, and Ron Weasley walks through, grinning from ear to ear.

"Hiya Harry!" he waves cheerfully, and Harry practically flies away from Sirius and tackles the redhead in a hug.

"Hi Ron!" he shouts, his mouth still next to Ron's ear, and the freckly boy winces.

"I kind of like having a sense of sound, thanks mate." he says, tugging Harry away from him with a smile.Harry just grins sheepishly.

"Have you heard from Hermione?" he asks, and Ron shakes his head.

"Hey there Ronald." Lily says, smiling at the two boys.

Ron makes a face. "Ugh, only Mum and 'Mione call me Ronald."

"Would you prefer Ronnikins?" Sirius asks, and Remus elbows him in the ribs.

Ron lets out a horrified noise and shakes his head frantically, whilst Harry laughs at his expense.

The fire glows for a third time, and a frizzy-haired, dark-skinned, hassled-looking girl stumbles through. She rights herself instantly, straightening her clothes and tucking her hair behind her ears as best as she can.

Harry hugs her, too, and she smiles and laughs.

"Did you have any trouble getting here, Hermione?" Remus asks kindly.

"Not really, though it took a while to explain to my parents what was happening. They should be here soo-"

Before she could finish her sentence, a woman steps through the fireplace, bearing a striking resemblance to her daughter, though paler in skin tone. She hops over the grate of the fireplace, and smiles around shyly and everyone.

"Hello there." she says, as a man stumbles in behind her. He doesn't look much like Hermione, though his nose and eyebrows both have the same shape, and his skin is similar to Hermione's, though slightly darker. He smiles pleasantly at everyone and stands next to his wife, wrapping an arm around her shoulder casually.

"Don't worry everyone, the guest of honour has arrived." he announces dramatically, and Sirius laughs loudly whilst Hermione rolls her eyes.

"I like you!" he exclaims happily, and Mr. Granger winks.

Lily walks forward and shakes the Grangers' hands, gesturing for them to come into their home properly.

"Welcome! It's so nice to finally meet you. I'm Lily Potter, Harry's mother, and this is my husband, James." she waves a hand at James, and he grins and waves.

Remus stands, and also shakes their hands. "I'm Remus Lupin-Black. I'm a family friend, and this is my husband Sirius. He's Harry's godfather." he greets them, and Sirius does a peace sign. Mr. Granger returns it, and Sirius looks overjoyed.

The fire glows again, and a dark-haired, pale boy walks through. He wears shabby grey clothes, though he doesn’t look ashamed. His eyes are a dark brown, and they lock onto Harry immediately.

Lily recognises him as Tom Riddle.  


She watches her son smile brightly and run toward him, tackling him in a hug that’s twice as ferocious at the one he gave Ron. Lily sees herself smile and walk toward the newcomer, and she wants to scream at her to get Harry away from that murderer. 

But she only shakes Tom’s hand and introduces herself, and Tom does the same. As Lily watches, she notices that he doesn’t seem as... empty as the Tom Riddle Dumbledore had told her about. He looks at Harry like he’s an angel, like Harry is water and he is dying of dehydration. 

Lily thinks it’s curious, and she watches some more.

Lily watches herself and her family setting the dinner table, the trio of friends and Tom playing in Harry's bedroom, Sirius talking about ferocious magical creatures to scare the Grangers, and Remus shaking his head in apology at them. She watches as her and James light various candles around the house in decorative holders, some of them painted by Harry and James themselves. She watches herself explain the Celebration of Lights to the Grangers, which is known to them as Diwali, and they agree to celebrate with them over dinner. Harry goes through an elaborate explanation of the celebration to Hermione and Ron, Hermione and Tom looking fascinated and Ron looking mightily confused but enthusiastic. She watches James help her in the kitchen, correcting her recipes and showing her the parchment his mother had written. She watches the Grangers and the Potters and the Lupin-Blacks and Tom laugh over the traditional foods and dishes that Ron has never seen before but loves anyway. He vows to show Molly some of the dishes at home, and invites Harry and Hermione over to the Burrow for dinner sometime.

She watches the Grangers leave, taking with them some left-overs that Lily sees herself insisting they take ("They won't be eaten here, and you seemed to enjoy this one!"), she watches Harry and Ron fly on brooms in the garden, she watches Tom cheering Harry on even though they're not playing a match. She sees Ron leave a while later, also carrying tubs of food to show Molly Weasley, and she sees Harry waving goodbye with a smile. She watches Harry stuffing food into Tom’s hands and telling him to make it last, and she watches Harry asking Lily to preserve it with magic so that Tom won’t go hungry. She sees Tom flush and glare at Harry, but the expression has no heat to it. He leaves eventually, accepting one last hug from Harry, and steps into the flames. She sees herself put her baby to bed, telling him stories that he insists he's too old for but can't sleep without. She watches Sirius transform into Padfoot and curl up next to Harry in bed, she watches Remus scratch behind the dog's ears and telling Harry goodnight before leaving the room, and she watches James open the alcohol cabinet ("Just one, I swear, Lily!").

The scene fades away yet again, and Lily keeps drifting.  


The next time Lily sees her son, he is older. She sees herself and James standing on the Platform, waiting for Harry. The station is decorated with fairy lights and subtle decorations, and she knows that it is nearing Christmas time. Harry hops off the train, and Lily can see that Tom is still with him. Tom listens as Harry chats away, occasionally piping up or smiling at him. Harry sees his parents, and tugs Tom over with a smile on his face.

That’s when Lily sees their joined hands. 

Lily sees herself envelope Harry in a hug, and doing the same for Tom. She sees James clapping Harry on the back and shaking Tom’s hand. 

She watches as Tom asks if they’re absolutely sure if it’s okay for him to stay, and she watches herself laugh and nod enthusiastically as Harry rolls his eyes. She watches them Floo home.

They step out of the fireplace, and Lily goes about tidying the place up, apologising to Tom about not having time to get things in order. Lily watches Tom smile at her pleasantly and tell her that their home is perfect. 

She watches Tom help her in the kitchen after dinner as Harry and James discuss brooms. She watches Harry whisper something in Tom’s ear in the evening before bed, eliciting a smile. She watches them go to bed early.

She watches them put a silencing barrier on the door. 

She watches herself smirking at James, taking bets on how many times they’ve “done it” already, and scheming on the best ways to tease Harry about it over Christmas Holidays.

Lily Potter watches what she could have had.

She wants to cry. She wants to resent this version of herself that gets to have everything she needs, everything she yearns for.

She wants to, but she doesn't.

Lily continues to drift, and, when she gets the chance: she watches.

**Author's Note:**

> hey, you should check out my other oneshots.  
> it would make me very happy. 
> 
> only if you want 🥺👉🏻👈🏻  
> also follow my tumblr. https://alfiisha.tumblr.com/


End file.
